做一个坚定的Pessimist。


现在我或许是不该看调调低沉的书的.但这两天还是在一切可以无所事事的间隙里重看了一遍《悲观主义的花朵》.原以为本书可以与自己现在的状态起到一点呼应,却发现是大大地估计错误了.
绝望,浓烈,不可自拔的爱——我没有.真的没有.
我有的只是一个个轻佻,虚荣,犯贱,自甘堕落的困境.

而我相信它们都是事出有因的,并且竟真的一点一点细致地回到自己过去的人生轨迹中去寻根究底.偶尔对别人说起,但并不要求对方会相信或理解.我已经不是小女孩了,不能再依赖没有道理的”原谅”.
“Maybe it’s finally time to deal with the real self of mine,”每天都对自己这么说着,因为总得想办法让自处变得简单些.
—————————
虽然每天已经大部分时间都是独自一人的,但我还是嫌独处的时间不够.远远不够.
一无所有的日子里,所有的欲望的确只剩下一个人抱膝坐着.

而日子却不会理会你这卑微的愿望,依旧自顾自混乱地飞奔着.
几年前无意中学到的一点物理常识总是提醒着我:任何状态的熵永远在不可逆地增加着.亦即这个世界永远在不可逆地日益混乱着.如果不相信一个万能的上帝,尊重科学便是我唯一的出路了吧.
我想让日子规整一点,简单一点,不那么混乱一点,无异于做梦.
何况我对生活上一次还可以用”简单”来形容的那个截屏已经毫无印象.

—————————
小时候很期待将来,是相信将来总会比当下好;小时候也会害怕将来,是害怕它没有自己想象的好.
现在我还是期待将来,是奢望将来不至于像现在这么糟;现在我已不再害怕将来,因为我知道它总会结束.

—————————
我想没有人知道我在说什么,这就对了.









It might be inappropriate for me to read any grey-styled book for now. Still, I finished rereading the book in all my possible spare time these days. And it turns out I was totally wrong by expecting it could answer some of my current confusions.
No. I definitely have no such kind of desperate, wild and powerless affection. What I got is just a dozen of frivolous and depraved dilemmas.
Interestingly, while I believe I must be caught in for some reasons, I did spend some patience to trace back the path I’ve been through for an attribution of the situation. And I even mentioned to some of my friends pretending thoughtlessly. It all became possible as I didn’t expect any understanding or acceptance. I’m just too old to depend on others’ forgiveness any more.
“Maybe it’s finally time to deal with the real self of mine,” I told myself everyday as something has to be done to make it easier staying with myself.
While I am spending most of time by myself everyday, it’s still far from what I need. In days like this that one truly have nothing to lose, all her desire has shrank to sitting there holding her own knees.
But this is not how it works, as life still rushes forward in a disordered way.
According to some physics that I accidentally picked up years ago, entropy is always increasing in our world. That means, as long as a mess exists, irreversibly, getting bigger and bigger is the only way it goes. I suppose believing in science is the one and only choice left with me as I have no god in my heart.
Hence, I would just be daydreaming while I hope everything can turn to be simple again. Not to mention I can’t actually recall when was the last screen capture that everything was simple.
I liked to fantasize about a future when I was little, and I still expect one now. For as a pessimist, I know even if there has to be something we call it “future”, it will end after all.
I wish no one understood what I’ve been talking, coz no one should.






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