「week 13」It’s been a while

It’s been a while that I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like working, don’t feel like reading, don’t feel like running, don’t even feel like watching tv, probably the most effortless activity available in the world. It’s like all of a sudden, I’ve lost the interest in all the stuff I’ve been doing, or used to enjoy doing. I took myself to the theatre to watch a movie. I ordered McDonald’s. I wear make-ups everyday so I look 20% prettier than what I really am. I tried many different way to please myself, but still, I don’t feel a thing.

The good thing is, it’s nothing new. Once in a while, it happens, the ultimate boredom, the lack of interest in the world I live in. When it comes, it’s like someone you know a long time ago suddenly arrive in town — you don’t particularly like her, you don’t really wanna do it, but you kinda have to entertain her when she’s here.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m living too lonely a life. Lonely not as in that I have no one to hang out with, well maybe a little of that too, but more in a way that I have no attachment in my heart. The other day when I arrived back in hong kong after my red-eye flight, sitting in the taxi home at 4am, I looked out from the window, watching the city passing by in the damp darkness, at that moment of sheer fatigue and fragility, I realized I have no one to think of. No one here, no one elsewhere. There I felt a hole in my heart. It’s been there for a while. It’s been there for a reason.

I’ve been single for ten months now, probably the longest window in my romance life. But that’s not the point here, in today’s world, being single is most of the time merely a choice of statement, instead of the reflection of a real status. The point is the lack of attachment. I almost always had some sort of attachment no matter if I’m single or not in the past, some a fleeting intimacy, some a persistent anomaly. In some way, I feed on attachments. I fed on it so I could feel something.

I’ve been free of attachment for a while now, after withdrawing from the old ones and freezing the new ones. It wasn’t a smooth ride, but here I am, in my attachment-neutral ground. It feels like an emotional rehab.

I’d rather think of my recent inactivity as a small setback in my rehab process. There’s nothing new I’m dealing with here. I’m most lucid when I’m alone. And I’m most lonely when I’m lucid. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m talking about. Thank god I can resort to playing some piano these days. Piano is my new porn.

PS. I’ve vowed to not buy any clothes for a year. (*From Aug 30 2019 to Aug 29 2020). Now this is something new I’m dealing with. And it is for sure gonna be the HARDEST thing I ever have to do. Only if I succeed, obviously.

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