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Feel a bit sad tonight as I was criticized by someone as “being too smart to take my future serious.” I felt embarrassed at this argument, a bit irritated even, but couldn’t come up with anything to return the favor. After all, it’s a lot to take on when you receive accusation and flattery at the same time in one sentence.

In this world, one can be artless or sophisticated, idealistic or realistic. It’s all plainly a personal choice.

Of course I know my own shit. And as reluctant as I want to admit that, most of the time I feel helpless tired of my slothfulness and negativity. And I gradually grow tired of preaching to people my pessimism theory, for nothing is remotely convincing when it needs to be preached.

I guess I will leave nothing behind me eventually. Everything about me, my absurdity and anger, my affection and ambition, my happiness and obsessiveness…will all be washed away by the relentless time, except for some limited trace of struggles.

 

今晚有些难过。言谈中毫无预兆的被人冠以"因为太聪明而对自己的前途马马虎虎"的罪名。我感到尴尬,些许恼怒,一时之间竟反应不出任何回击的可能。毕竟flattery和accusation在一个句子里同时出现,确实是叫人有些应接不暇。

天真还是世故,理想还是现实,都不过是一种选择。若非极端幸运,大抵很难兼而有之。

我自然不是毫无自知之明的。大多数时候,对于自身附带的悲观和懒惰,都感到束手无策。甚至厌倦了对他人解释自己的那套并不怎么convincing的悲观论调。因为那并不受欢迎,所以干脆拒绝一切礼貌性的好奇。

我想我最终不会在这个世界留下什么,一切和自己有关的荒谬和愤怒、爱情和理想、快乐和执念⋯⋯最终都会被时间被冲刷得干干净净。除了这样一些有限的,挣扎过的痕迹。

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