Introspectation.

Well, I think I’m just fooling around myself by typing such a serious title, luckily I’m the only person to be fooled with here.
As I’ve said plenty of times recently, I am happy, while bearing a constant anxiety as well. It may seem a little bit obsessive, and I’m actually also repeatedly reminding myself: Are you kidding? What’s wrong with being happy? Why can’t you just relax for one time in your life and enjoy this rare positive feeling? (Right, it’s really rare for me to feel happy.) And sometimes I’m wondering whether there’s possibly another person on earth as pathetic as me, who is freaked out by her own positive mood. Although I hate doing this to myself, I also have to accept that it’s my job to put up with this peculiar nature of me, that I just can’t stop analyzing myself, for everything.
Thus I decide to spoil myself thoroughly, here, now, with the list below of any possible reasons behind my good mood. (apologies to whoever is reading this, but hey, everyone has some kind of irrational obsession I suppose?)
1. I got a tiny amount of scholarship recently, for my GPA of last semester tops among a bunch of uncompetitive fellows. (I know I sound like a bitch here, but I’d rather be a truth-telling bitch than a nice liar)
And frankly speaking, it feels great to be acknowledged as No.1 based on certain standards, even if it’s a lilbit ridiculous and somehow I cant help feeling myself being labeled as a “nerd” thanks to this title.
2. I broke up from a kinda abusive relationship recently. No, I’m not a geek who is glad to see her relationship break. I feel relieved because this is the healthiest breakup I could ever imagine, and I’m much maturer to handle it this time(compared to 2 years ago). Actually I’m still in the transition phase and figuring where it’s leading to, but definitely, it’s way better than I expected. And I’d like to give my highest level of gratitude to you (though you will never read this) for helping me get through this breakup, for being my X, and for being someone still close to me.
3. I can still type a lot of other inspirations if I want, but none will be as concrete as the previous two. So I think I should probably just be honest to myself and stop here. Life is still as confusing as it’s always been, but currently, at least I’ve two good reasons to assure myself that being happy is nothing wrong.

 

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