Author: whatsoeverellen

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Introspectation.

Well, I think I’m just fooling around myself by typing such a serious title, luckily I’m the only person to be fooled with here.
As I’ve said plenty of times recently, I am happy, while bearing a constant anxiety as well. It may seem a little bit obsessive, and I’m actually also repeatedly reminding myself: Are you kidding? What’s wrong with being happy? Why can’t you just relax for one time in your life and enjoy this rare positive feeling? (Right, it’s really rare for me to feel happy.) And sometimes I’m wondering whether there’s possibly another person on earth as pathetic as me, who is freaked out by her own positive mood. Although I hate doing this to myself, I also have to accept that it’s my job to put up with this peculiar nature of me, that I just can’t stop analyzing myself, for everything.
Thus I decide to spoil myself thoroughly, here, now, with the list below of any possible reasons behind my good mood. (apologies to whoever is reading this, but hey, everyone has some kind of irrational obsession I suppose?)
1. I got a tiny amount of scholarship recently, for my GPA of last semester tops among a bunch of uncompetitive fellows. (I know I sound like a bitch here, but I’d rather be a truth-telling bitch than a nice liar)
And frankly speaking, it feels great to be acknowledged as No.1 based on certain standards, even if it’s a lilbit ridiculous and somehow I cant help feeling myself being labeled as a “nerd” thanks to this title.
2. I broke up from a kinda abusive relationship recently. No, I’m not a geek who is glad to see her relationship break. I feel relieved because this is the healthiest breakup I could ever imagine, and I’m much maturer to handle it this time(compared to 2 years ago). Actually I’m still in the transition phase and figuring where it’s leading to, but definitely, it’s way better than I expected. And I’d like to give my highest level of gratitude to you (though you will never read this) for helping me get through this breakup, for being my X, and for being someone still close to me.
3. I can still type a lot of other inspirations if I want, but none will be as concrete as the previous two. So I think I should probably just be honest to myself and stop here. Life is still as confusing as it’s always been, but currently, at least I’ve two good reasons to assure myself that being happy is nothing wrong.

 

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about the long-gone love.

Just finished watching the latest episode of “Desperate Housewives”. And here I am, rushing straightly to drop down the scene that impresses me:
Orson has made up his mind to commit suicide as he’s lost the willpower to fight against the paralyzed life on a wheelchair. Before he actions Bree found out his intention and they were arguing about whether love still exists between them. Bree wasn’t able to answer the question “do you still love me” directly(That’s the exact thing that I admire about Bree, she never lies, even a white one). And for the last time of this type of conversation, just after she stopped Orson’s attempt of rolling himself into a pool, she was asked the same question again. And it’s the answer she gave that touches me:
“I loved you once, can I love you again? I don’t know. But I would like to recapture what we once had, and we’re not going to do that if you’re not here. So, I’m asking you, please stay.”
So what I appreciate of Bree, is the gut to admit that love has been lost, and the gut to embrace it for the second time with the same person.
True, love can be fluid, and everyone in it has to be prepared for those tough times. But sadly, very few ever have, or even intend to overcome those times when they get there. And when I reflect on myself in the relationships I ever had, I wouldn’t blame myself for not trying hard enough. (sadly, I’m always the one being let go of.) But that’s also the very thing that I should be blamed, that I’ve always been trapped in a self-built prison and waiting for the other one to let me go, as I’ve never had the courage to admit the brutal fact that, something is gone, something used to be love.
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Incomplete collection of my favorite quotes.

All from Milan Kundera:

1.
“Happiness is the longing for repetition.”
2.
“She had an overwhelming desire to tell him, like the most banal of women. Don’t let me go, hold me tight, make me your plaything, your slave, be strong! But they were words she could not say.

The only thing she said when he released her from his embrace was, “You don’t know how happy I am to be with you.” That was the most her reserved nature allowed her to express.”




3.
“We all need someone to look at us. we can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. the first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public. the second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. they are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners. they are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives. this happens to nearly all of them sooner or later. people in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need. then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. one day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark. and finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. they are the dreamers.”




4.
“When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.”




5.
“Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that’s beautiful.”


6.
“Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).”




7.
“There is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time. Perhaps we become aware of our age only at exceptional moments and most of the time we are ageless.”


8.
“But when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak had to be strong enough to leave.”


9.
“The goals we pursue are always veiled. A girl who longs for marriage longs for something she knows nothing about. The boy who hankers after fame has no idea what fame is. The thing that gives our every move its meaning is always totally unknown to us.”




10.
“Kitsch is the inability to admit that shit exists”


11.
“Love is a continual interrogation. I don’t know of a better definition of love.”




12.
“A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.”


13.
“And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?”

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One of the many reasons that I admire Milan Kundera is that he tells the truth about life, the truth that most people on earth live in but dare not to admit.