Quotes of Margaret Atwood (to be updated)

“The answers you get from literature depend on the questions you pose.”

“I was sand, I was snow — written on, rewritten, smoothed over.”

“There is something reassuring about the toilets. Bodily functions at least remain democratic. Everybody shits.”

“Oblivion was increasingly attractive, since why retain your brain when no amount of thinking could even begin to solve the problem? It wasn’t even a problem, it was beyond a problem. It was more like a looming general collapse.”

what we talk about when we talk about aging.(完美跑题)



有一天下班挤在地铁上,前面是个老太太,人比我矮,离我又那么地近,逼于无奈盯着她头顶稀疏的头发过了几个站。那些时间里,我突然意识到,老了就是这样的,如果“有幸”活到那时候,有一天我也会变成那样:头顶苍白,手上爬满了老人斑。
这一幕持续的时间,长得足以唤醒了我对变老的恐惧,以及我似乎已经忘记这种恐惧很多年了。我从来是一个对于变老的恐惧远大于死亡的人。小时候我恐惧变老,甚至根本无法想象“自己是一个30出头的女人”这件事情会真的发生。那是年少轻狂的恐惧,是完全基于想象和未知的恐惧,就像活着的人恐惧死亡。可是现在,再重温这份恐惧,却像感到这件事每分每秒都在发生,没有想象的空间,没有蜿蜒的余地。我不知道其他所有人是如何承受这些变化的,如何眼看着自己日复一日地走向衰老,却仍然泰然处之。是不是每个人都一面视而不见,假装一切都好,一面默默放弃对生命的挣扎?
想着就一阵悲凉。
现在的我去便利店买烟还是会被要求出示身份证,虽然每次都不乐意,但我知道,哪一天他们不再查我的身份证了,我会更不乐意的。因为不乐意和更不乐意就是人生的唯二选项。
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这个让我想到王尔德的《The Picture of Dorian Gray》。Dorian Gray年轻俊美,容貌好看得周围的身旁每一个人都忍不住要盛赞,要为这容颜终有一天会老去而提前哀伤。年轻的Dorian也将这哀伤植入内心,渴望自己拥有不老之身,默默许下愿望,希望画家Basil为他画的完美的画像可以替他承受一切岁月的痕迹。他的愿望成真了。画像一天天变老,每天都出现新的痕迹,腐朽的、邪恶的、世俗的、肮脏的⋯⋯一切他所行之恶,都在画像上结了果。画像成了Dorian最大的心结和秘密,他的灵魂被腐蚀得疮痍满目,而在世人眼中却仍然完美无暇,拥有着他人梦想拥有的一切。最终,Dorian不堪心灵的重负,一刀刺死画像。而这一刀也刺死了他自己,他的尸体丑陋得别人几乎辨认不出,血淋淋的画像上,却仍是他年轻时完美的容貌。
这是王尔德的第一部小说,充斥着唯美主义和青春至上的影子。而书中最重要的角色,相信大多数人都会认同,其实是Dorian的朋友Lord Henry。可以说Dorian一生的悲剧都是Lord Henry的旁敲侧击潜移默化中造成的。而Lord Henry,大多数人都和我一样,相信那就是王尔德本人的化身。可以说王尔德将自己植入Lord Henry这个角色,而Dorian,更像是他渴望、同时也警惕着自己成为的人。他如此绝望又炽烈地追求美,同时也分身出来,毫不客气地对其进行最赤裸的揭露和抨击。
极端的美是可以逃脱道德的。因此极端的美也就是极端的丑。就像王尔德在序言中写,all art is quite useless.
我想,其实所有的问题都来自于自怜自艾。
公司一个同事,三四十岁,当妈也好些年头了,前些日子去给脸上打了几针,花了几万,瘪下去的双颊就奇异地饱满了起来。我听着,难以给出什么恰当的反应,尴尬地笑了笑。每个人都一样害怕变老。这害怕本身,最让我害怕。
但愿时间对我们都温柔一点。


Watch out, Pessimist.



I’m a pessimist. always been one. I believe it’s the realistic/mature way to see life. But the other part of the reality that I left out was, you can’t possibly deal with the bloody reality with not a bit of the optimism seeds. Everyone needs a dose of that kind, and so do I.
I only drop this down coz I realized that my pessimism used to hurt, and is still hurting people that I love. And I also realize that being pessimistic can be nothing like acting pessimistically.
Perceive life in a pessimistic way; live it in an optimistic way. It sounds like crap. But one doesn’t run away from one’s own fart. 




我是个悲观主义者。一直都是。我相信悲观才是现实的。但我忽略了另一部分现实,如果没有那么点儿乐观,现实便根本无从面对。

写下这个是因为我突然意识到自己的悲观情绪曾经伤害过,并且还在伤害着那些我爱的人。
我想很多人都对“悲观”二字有着太深的偏见和误解。不过没什么所谓。因为我现在知道,内心悲观和表现得悲观可以完全是两回事。

悲观地看待生命,乐观地执行生命。这听上去像是一句屁话,然而但凡是自己悟出来的屁话,便也不无道理了。

Page Flipper.

 

 
 
These days I’ve been quite upset searching for an apartment yet making not a bit of progress. When all I want is merely an affordable and not-that-unbearable place to live in but it seems so dim, the realization that I have been, am being and will always be an externality in this city simply shouts itself out. And I’m more than reluctant to plea for help, and I don’t wanna give in an inch, and I hate myself for being so annoyingly stubborn.
 
Still, I have very strong incentive to get the hell through this painful process, that being, the eagerness to arrive at the next episode of life. I suppose moving (and moving in together) should fall into the definition of “a new episode of life,” however an uneasy one it may be. It could be I expect so much from the future, it could also be I’m just fed up with the present, it could actually be both. But why bother digging into the details, when life will find a way to force itself forward after all. 
 
What really concerns me is, can flipping over pages after pages of life be the solution of life itself? I understand vaguely but well enough that it doesn’t really work this way, I just can’t help wanting so much to paging into the next chapter of life while leaving this one behind. Technically speaking, it’s not the content, but the route/direction of life that I actually do give a damn about. Let tomorrow land safe, let yesterday never reoccur. As to today, well, as long as I still survive, let it just be what it ought to be. Here we get to it again: life is elsewhere. It sounds hopelessly sweet, but else? where? 
 
 

Post-Room in Rome.



I randomly decided to watch this movie today, solely to kill my afternoon time at first, and felt terribly blessed for how this random decision has made my day unexpectedly.
It reminds me of how I have fallen in love every time, with absolute foolishness and blindness, believing love is what conquers all.
It also reminds me of several very close friends of mine, who share the similar nature with me, however differently our stories finally led us to.
Days ago I belatedly found out a facebook page of a friend, which she only shows to the the closest ones and reveals her saddest affections deep down, pieces of her broken heart. I happened to know most of what she has gone through. And above all, she puts:” I’m always in love.”
Maybe love IS really what conquers all. But we just easily confused passion, lust, wild urges, an instant rush of blood into the head, or whatever feels so intense that we thought it has to be love, with what love truly is. It’s probably the misunderstanding but love itself that hurts us. Strictly, I’d rather believe that way.
Loving a stranger is probably the most fatal thing on earth, and achingly beautiful.
But what really touches me about this movie is it perfectly shows that, while we should have guts to fall in “love” regardless of all (for this part we’ve done good enough), we ought to also have the true grit to let go.
This is the only way we get stronger.






Two scenes




I’ve witnessed (well, one ear-dropped) two scenes today, both allowed me a slight glimpse of marriage – a thing everyone has been so obsessed with and so desperate to put themselves into.

Scene one happened on my way to work, while I was smoking waiting for the company shuttle.
A woman, with a baby attached to the front of her, was talking on phone with a sarcastic mean tone. It took merely 10 seconds for me (or any stranger around her in that circumstance) to figure out who exactly was she yelling at. It was her husband’s mistress, or I should say, in a way more familiar to all of us, the third one in a marriage, the little bitch.
From the conversation I learned that the mistress has also a child that belongs to the unnamed husband, which makes the whole story seem a bit cruel to me as the woman beside me is carrying a baby, which is still just an infant.
From the conversation I also learned that the woman has not even a slight accusation against her husband, who has slept with another one with a child born, but sole rage at the mistress she was talking to.
From the conversation, to be accurate it was her disorganized and foulmouthed group of broken words, I understood her several key points: 1, You like sleeping with my husband, fine with me. 2, You wanna raise his child, fine with me. 3. I would let you pass should you just give back all the stuff and money belongs to my husband.

When my curiosity was fulfilled, I crushed out my cigarette and headed right to the awaiting bus, not because I ran out of time, but I truly felt sad for the idiotic woman and her idiotic marriage.
Scene two was much less dramastic, and happened on my way back from work, on the company shuttle.
A male anchor who sat behind me was chit-chatting with a female colleague about his just-happened wedding. They were talking about how costly a wedding could possibly be, and how much effort was demanded during the preparation of it.
“My wife and I got registered in the end of 2009, and threw the wedding after almost one year,” he said.
“Why on earth was that for?” she asked.
“Well, um…we think after all we’d better follow the ordinary routine. And in an ordinary routine, a wedding is a must,” he sighed.
Well no, I’m not gonna comment anything on the subject, for any word against marriage would be easily deemed as cynical or attributed to some queer reason like “you’re too young to get to it.”
I also believe and tend to believe there must be some people happily married in the world, rare in my knowledge though.
What bemuses me a bit is, while I see people able to embrace marriage as unconditionally as they do, I seldom see the tolerance of a same level be granted to those who are not a fan of it.
That is gravely bizarre. 

A closure, a start?


So after the two days scratching my head making a critical decision, I realized I’m not even close to fulfilling one of my new year resolutions – be fearless. 


Actually, I have deep fears in my heart. Some of them have been there for quite a long time. For all these years, I’m dealing with them by pretending they don’t exist, while for this time, the very first time that I find pretentious ignorance doesn’t really work. 

The one thing you should know, darling, is feigned courage doesn’t make you a conqueror.

It sounds lame, I know. But I guess admitting the fear itself without fearing is also necessary. Since I’m already here – pretty far away from the person I’d wished to be, I just have to be honest with that. “Never fool the person in the mirror,” I surely believe this is the right thing to do and I hope I’ve done it correctly.



做一个坚定的Pessimist。


现在我或许是不该看调调低沉的书的.但这两天还是在一切可以无所事事的间隙里重看了一遍《悲观主义的花朵》.原以为本书可以与自己现在的状态起到一点呼应,却发现是大大地估计错误了.
绝望,浓烈,不可自拔的爱——我没有.真的没有.
我有的只是一个个轻佻,虚荣,犯贱,自甘堕落的困境.

而我相信它们都是事出有因的,并且竟真的一点一点细致地回到自己过去的人生轨迹中去寻根究底.偶尔对别人说起,但并不要求对方会相信或理解.我已经不是小女孩了,不能再依赖没有道理的”原谅”.
“Maybe it’s finally time to deal with the real self of mine,”每天都对自己这么说着,因为总得想办法让自处变得简单些.
—————————
虽然每天已经大部分时间都是独自一人的,但我还是嫌独处的时间不够.远远不够.
一无所有的日子里,所有的欲望的确只剩下一个人抱膝坐着.

而日子却不会理会你这卑微的愿望,依旧自顾自混乱地飞奔着.
几年前无意中学到的一点物理常识总是提醒着我:任何状态的熵永远在不可逆地增加着.亦即这个世界永远在不可逆地日益混乱着.如果不相信一个万能的上帝,尊重科学便是我唯一的出路了吧.
我想让日子规整一点,简单一点,不那么混乱一点,无异于做梦.
何况我对生活上一次还可以用”简单”来形容的那个截屏已经毫无印象.

—————————
小时候很期待将来,是相信将来总会比当下好;小时候也会害怕将来,是害怕它没有自己想象的好.
现在我还是期待将来,是奢望将来不至于像现在这么糟;现在我已不再害怕将来,因为我知道它总会结束.

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我想没有人知道我在说什么,这就对了.









It might be inappropriate for me to read any grey-styled book for now. Still, I finished rereading the book in all my possible spare time these days. And it turns out I was totally wrong by expecting it could answer some of my current confusions.
No. I definitely have no such kind of desperate, wild and powerless affection. What I got is just a dozen of frivolous and depraved dilemmas.
Interestingly, while I believe I must be caught in for some reasons, I did spend some patience to trace back the path I’ve been through for an attribution of the situation. And I even mentioned to some of my friends pretending thoughtlessly. It all became possible as I didn’t expect any understanding or acceptance. I’m just too old to depend on others’ forgiveness any more.
“Maybe it’s finally time to deal with the real self of mine,” I told myself everyday as something has to be done to make it easier staying with myself.
While I am spending most of time by myself everyday, it’s still far from what I need. In days like this that one truly have nothing to lose, all her desire has shrank to sitting there holding her own knees.
But this is not how it works, as life still rushes forward in a disordered way.
According to some physics that I accidentally picked up years ago, entropy is always increasing in our world. That means, as long as a mess exists, irreversibly, getting bigger and bigger is the only way it goes. I suppose believing in science is the one and only choice left with me as I have no god in my heart.
Hence, I would just be daydreaming while I hope everything can turn to be simple again. Not to mention I can’t actually recall when was the last screen capture that everything was simple.
I liked to fantasize about a future when I was little, and I still expect one now. For as a pessimist, I know even if there has to be something we call it “future”, it will end after all.
I wish no one understood what I’ve been talking, coz no one should.






Trivial matters.

 

 

Since writing has become the majority and priority of my daily life in terms of “a job”, my interest of writing something belongs to me is receding everyday.

It’s bad. Also good.

I bought a recorder, a years-awaited desire, before the inclusive interview yesterday. It’s actually a birthday present from someone close to me, though the process of getting it is in no way romantic. But like you said, let’s just be practical for now.

I was expecting the recorder can to some extent fix the blank of the forgone writing, though I know it won’t. I got no idea what I will talk about if I was talking to no one, not even myself, but a digital device. And as my concerns kept emerging, I realized something funny.

Maybe, I say maybe — Whilst I’m bothering with all these different manners to record what seems matter, I am just trying to numb myself and bury a fact, that nothing matters enough to be recorded.

But even to me it sounds too relentless. So screw it.

We’re all trivial living creatures and we’ve been happy with that for ages.

 

 

自从”写字”以工作的方式侵略式地主导了我的日常生活,对于写点什么这件事,我的兴趣已逐日递减.

这或许很糟糕,却也未尝不是一件好事.

赶在昨天的专访前买了一支录音笔.我已经记不得自己是从什么年纪开始幻想拥有一支录音笔了,但对于可有可无之 物的欲念,总是一耽搁就许多年.而这只录音笔,实际上也是一份来自对我很重要的人的生日礼物.虽然到手的过程毫无礼物的情趣可言,但就像你说的,混社会, 还是实用点比较好.

我曾经期待录音笔可以填补来不及写下或无法写下的那部分空白,尽管这显然不切实际.我甚至根本无法想象自己对着一只录音笔会说些什么,当我知道自己并不是在说给包括自己的任何人听.而在这层出不穷的顾虑之中,我发现一件有意思的事.

会不会,我只是说假如,我费尽力气地用各种途径去尝试记录下一切看起来重要的片段,仅仅是为了麻痹自己去遗忘一个事实:其实没有任何一种生活了不起得需要被记下.

悲观如我,这个猜想也的确是在太冷酷了.

我决定不要再去想它,而专心地记录各种无谓的细节.

毕竟,在某一个足够强大的目光下,我们必定都只是微不足道的生物,况且这微不足道的情景也已经延续了天知道有多久.

 

 

SATC 2.

 

It’s kinda ironic to watch the movie of SATC2 alone after I just got stood up by one of my best girlfriends. Thank goodness the unpleasure didn’t ruin the movie. Actually I knew I would love it before I watched. As it’s just impossible for me to keep the minimal amount of rationality when it comes to the subject of SATC. So this is not a movie review, just some quick notes.

There’re several fragments that really touched me:

1. Vowing moment in the Gay wedding. When Anthony said to Stanley:” It was not love at the first sight, (everyone laughed) but it does turn out to be love……You’re the first person to take me as who I actually am,” he became unable to proceed because of the tears in eyes, and I had tears in mine too. (blush)

2. Charlotte and Miranda’s drinking talking in the suite’s bar. The two mothers finally got some moments to speak up things they dare not to even admit otherwise. The talking thing can be really burdensome from time to time, at moments like this, having someone to “Sip!” us is actually a bliss. And Miranda is definitely the perfect “Sip!” friend.

3. “Tonight’s just for girls, but I’m available tomorrow alllll day and night,” said Samantha, after she successfully hooked a target up. This can’t be the first time that I heard it from S, just as heart-warming as the first time. Everyone has an internal ranking system, that’s how we choose date A over date B, turn down date C to meet up date D. And for Samantha, despite of her obsession with sex, girls always outrank everything else. To some extent, that’s just what SATC is all about.

 

As to Carrie, except for the fashion icon, she always stands for all kinds of mistakes we could possibly make and all types of stupidity we could possibly be born with. She is the person that you look into the mirror everyday. The only difference is she always gets to have a happy ending and you don’t. (Welcome to the real world.)

Not exactly relevant here, but if I have to rank them, I would say Miranda is my fav. This woman is beyond words.

Lucky for me, I got to meet up another best girlfriend after the movie. And the HagenDaz she bought me made my day.