SATC 2.

 

It’s kinda ironic to watch the movie of SATC2 alone after I just got stood up by one of my best girlfriends. Thank goodness the unpleasure didn’t ruin the movie. Actually I knew I would love it before I watched. As it’s just impossible for me to keep the minimal amount of rationality when it comes to the subject of SATC. So this is not a movie review, just some quick notes.

There’re several fragments that really touched me:

1. Vowing moment in the Gay wedding. When Anthony said to Stanley:” It was not love at the first sight, (everyone laughed) but it does turn out to be love……You’re the first person to take me as who I actually am,” he became unable to proceed because of the tears in eyes, and I had tears in mine too. (blush)

2. Charlotte and Miranda’s drinking talking in the suite’s bar. The two mothers finally got some moments to speak up things they dare not to even admit otherwise. The talking thing can be really burdensome from time to time, at moments like this, having someone to “Sip!” us is actually a bliss. And Miranda is definitely the perfect “Sip!” friend.

3. “Tonight’s just for girls, but I’m available tomorrow alllll day and night,” said Samantha, after she successfully hooked a target up. This can’t be the first time that I heard it from S, just as heart-warming as the first time. Everyone has an internal ranking system, that’s how we choose date A over date B, turn down date C to meet up date D. And for Samantha, despite of her obsession with sex, girls always outrank everything else. To some extent, that’s just what SATC is all about.

 

As to Carrie, except for the fashion icon, she always stands for all kinds of mistakes we could possibly make and all types of stupidity we could possibly be born with. She is the person that you look into the mirror everyday. The only difference is she always gets to have a happy ending and you don’t. (Welcome to the real world.)

Not exactly relevant here, but if I have to rank them, I would say Miranda is my fav. This woman is beyond words.

Lucky for me, I got to meet up another best girlfriend after the movie. And the HagenDaz she bought me made my day.

 

 

Live as you’re dead.

 

 

I never used to think living like a dead person would be my wish someday.

Since my childhood, I’ve thought about being a lawyer, a singer, a diplomat, a writer, a news anchor, a columnist, a coffee shop owner, a book store clerk, a boutique salesgirl……all these fancies based on one common assumption, that life is a positive thing and I want to live the most out of it. Unfortunately I have thousands of doubts about that now. It’s not in a bad way, you should now.

I try to reflect on myself for some moments everyday, but the pure loneliness makes me unable to clear my thoughts every time. When people start to pity him/herself, all of his/her judgments become unjustifiable. Hence I realize that I need to get rid of the self-pity thing before any thoughts come up. It’s difficult and almost impossible, but worth a try.

Work is tiring, actually not bad. I can’t say it’s something I’m passionate with, coz all the passions about things you haven’t really experienced is just a lie you told yourself repeatedly. It’s a bubble that can break at any moment, like the property market now. And getting back to the topic, being a journalist is never my deemed terminal, but an experience that I think would be favorable to what I really want. (What I really want is another question here.) Like when you’re on the way to somewhere, stop at some critical points will make the journey more meaningful and the destination more enjoyable. But with all the discretion to choose the path, and a terrible decision maker as I am, I really don’t know whether I’m right about mine. Not to mention what the “destination”, or “discretion”, really means. Just by giving them a second thought I get myself totally messed up.

That leads to the start of this post, when I tried to get something out of all these inconclusive pieces, maybe live like a dead person isn’t that bad as it sounds. To even sound crazier, maybe I am living like a dead person, and everyone else is too. We all crave for liveliness and we all have had that. It certainly tastes sweet. But look at everything into the essence, you see a black hole and you feel bored. Most terribly yet quite fairly, the more you want to squeeze out of the life which you were given unexpectedly, the faster it’s eating back at you.

Some like to pitch life as an enemy to battle with, which sounds too serious to me. But if it has to be, taking it easy is probably the only way to win. And in the battle of mine, I know I don’t have to win, I always can pretend to be dead, for a while or for long. That doesn’t really matter.

 

 

我从来没有想到“像死了一样活着”有一天竟会成为一种期待.

小的时候大人总是会引导我们对于未来的幻想.我爷爷曾说:”希望你成为一个外交家.”于是我想过成为一个外交家.后来又听大人说:律师是个赚钱的行 业.并且小时候的价值观里律师绝对是劫富济贫的角色,于是我又开始盘算着成为律师.而再后来的作家,出道或仅仅是酒吧歌手,摄影师,新闻主播,专栏撰稿 人,咖啡馆老板娘,书店小妹,名牌服装店店员…所有这一切对于职业的幻想,无论贫贱富贵,其实都是建立在一个共同的假设上,即生活是令人期待的,而我 必须让自己尽可能地从中体验些什么.而渐渐地我对这个假设产生了动摇.倘若这种动摇能使我更接近真实,那么这其实并不是一件坏事.

我试图每天都对自己的生活进行一定程度的思考,但一种带来窒息感的孤独却让理性思考成为困难.当一个人开始自怜自已,这时候所催生的所有思想都变得 失去参考价值了.因此我知道如果想要试图将一些事情弄明白,就必须先彻底摆脱这些无谓的自怜.这很难,简直不可能,但值得一试.

工作有压榨之嫌,而除了投入和产出的严重不成比例以外,我并不感到糟糕.但如果要做到绝对诚实,我也无法再大言不惭地说这是我的激情所在,因为假如 还没有体验个透就言说激情,那么激情不过是一个不断对自己重复的谎言罢了.就像现在的房地产市场一样,泡沫总是一碰即碎的.更何况做一个新闻记者从来不是 我笃定的终点,我只是一直相信记者是更接近真相的人群,而真相对我所真正希冀的总是有好处的.(我真正希冀的是什么,这又是另一个棘手的问题了.)当一个 人走在一段遥远的路途上,或许是需要在途中去拜访一些别的景色的.那些景色会让旅程更成熟,也会让目的地更令人欢愉.问题的关键是,当我被赋予对这条路径 的自作主张的权利时,我开始慌张,担心自己走了错的路,看到了不对头的风景.我向来是一个糟糕的决策者.更不用说“目的地”或“自由选择”这些字眼究竟意 味着什么,稍加探究,已毫无头绪.

于是又回到了文章的开头.当我试图从这些零碎的线头里强行发现些什么的时候,我发现,或许像死了一样活着并不像它听起来那么可怕.更夸张一点,或许 我正在像死了一样活着,或许所有人都正在像死了一样活着.我们渴望生命的鲜活,也都曾拥有过那些激烈快乐着的时刻.那样的过去必然是难以忘怀的.而当你看 向所有事物的最深处,那本质上的虚无看起来就像一个黑洞,你感到无聊透了.最可怕的是,当你越是想要从生命中榨取尽可能多的快乐,生命往往也正加速吞噬着 你.这其实是个公平的交易.

有人喜欢把生命渲染成一个需要去与之战斗的对立的存在,这种比喻对我来说太严肃了.如果这场战争势在必行,或许别把它当真才是唯一的胜算.而在我的私人战争里,胜利不是一件必需品.我知道我永远可以选择像死了一样活着,一会儿,或一辈子.时间其实并不重要.

 

An unexpected overnight.

 

 

I was in the middle of a movie when the messenger box popped out. The time was around two to three in the midnight, I can’t remember exactly. It was Jingjing, who asked me whether I could help her with a survey of her final project.

It later became a hybrid of a nice conversation with her and the rest of the movie. After everything, it was already five a.m. When I was about to sleep after shutting down the machine, the image outside somehow amazed me: the color of the sky has quietly whitened.

Unknown birds were tweeting.

This must be the gentlest overnight I’ve ever made, yet it doesn’t affect the innocence of a dawn.

It may be the same daybreak that one encounters in consciousness or after waking up from a sound sleep. Just two utterly different realizations.

Without any guiltiness I immersed myself in the euphoria by taking photos aimlessly with my dusted Canon. I realized it was foolish when I was doing all these. It was also the foolishness that further intensified my euphoria.

Now I’m losing idea about whether or not to take a poor-quality nap before the breakfast at 10:30.

 

两三点的时候,我正在看一部电影。一个msn对话框突然跳出来,是处女座的jingjing叫我帮她做一个survey.

于是就在做survey,间歇地和她聊天,间歇地看完下半部电影中,到了5点。关了电脑。正要关灯睡去,发现窗外已经泛了白。不知怎的,那画面突然惊艳了我。

从来没有通过这么轻松的宵。但这并不妨碍黎明的无邪。

在清醒中遇见的清晨,和从沉睡中醒来看到的清晨,是太不相同的。

 

 

Introspectation.

Well, I think I’m just fooling around myself by typing such a serious title, luckily I’m the only person to be fooled with here.
As I’ve said plenty of times recently, I am happy, while bearing a constant anxiety as well. It may seem a little bit obsessive, and I’m actually also repeatedly reminding myself: Are you kidding? What’s wrong with being happy? Why can’t you just relax for one time in your life and enjoy this rare positive feeling? (Right, it’s really rare for me to feel happy.) And sometimes I’m wondering whether there’s possibly another person on earth as pathetic as me, who is freaked out by her own positive mood. Although I hate doing this to myself, I also have to accept that it’s my job to put up with this peculiar nature of me, that I just can’t stop analyzing myself, for everything.
Thus I decide to spoil myself thoroughly, here, now, with the list below of any possible reasons behind my good mood. (apologies to whoever is reading this, but hey, everyone has some kind of irrational obsession I suppose?)
1. I got a tiny amount of scholarship recently, for my GPA of last semester tops among a bunch of uncompetitive fellows. (I know I sound like a bitch here, but I’d rather be a truth-telling bitch than a nice liar)
And frankly speaking, it feels great to be acknowledged as No.1 based on certain standards, even if it’s a lilbit ridiculous and somehow I cant help feeling myself being labeled as a “nerd” thanks to this title.
2. I broke up from a kinda abusive relationship recently. No, I’m not a geek who is glad to see her relationship break. I feel relieved because this is the healthiest breakup I could ever imagine, and I’m much maturer to handle it this time(compared to 2 years ago). Actually I’m still in the transition phase and figuring where it’s leading to, but definitely, it’s way better than I expected. And I’d like to give my highest level of gratitude to you (though you will never read this) for helping me get through this breakup, for being my X, and for being someone still close to me.
3. I can still type a lot of other inspirations if I want, but none will be as concrete as the previous two. So I think I should probably just be honest to myself and stop here. Life is still as confusing as it’s always been, but currently, at least I’ve two good reasons to assure myself that being happy is nothing wrong.

 

about the long-gone love.

Just finished watching the latest episode of “Desperate Housewives”. And here I am, rushing straightly to drop down the scene that impresses me:
Orson has made up his mind to commit suicide as he’s lost the willpower to fight against the paralyzed life on a wheelchair. Before he actions Bree found out his intention and they were arguing about whether love still exists between them. Bree wasn’t able to answer the question “do you still love me” directly(That’s the exact thing that I admire about Bree, she never lies, even a white one). And for the last time of this type of conversation, just after she stopped Orson’s attempt of rolling himself into a pool, she was asked the same question again. And it’s the answer she gave that touches me:
“I loved you once, can I love you again? I don’t know. But I would like to recapture what we once had, and we’re not going to do that if you’re not here. So, I’m asking you, please stay.”
So what I appreciate of Bree, is the gut to admit that love has been lost, and the gut to embrace it for the second time with the same person.
True, love can be fluid, and everyone in it has to be prepared for those tough times. But sadly, very few ever have, or even intend to overcome those times when they get there. And when I reflect on myself in the relationships I ever had, I wouldn’t blame myself for not trying hard enough. (sadly, I’m always the one being let go of.) But that’s also the very thing that I should be blamed, that I’ve always been trapped in a self-built prison and waiting for the other one to let me go, as I’ve never had the courage to admit the brutal fact that, something is gone, something used to be love.

Incomplete collection of my favorite quotes.

All from Milan Kundera:

1.
“Happiness is the longing for repetition.”
2.
“She had an overwhelming desire to tell him, like the most banal of women. Don’t let me go, hold me tight, make me your plaything, your slave, be strong! But they were words she could not say.

The only thing she said when he released her from his embrace was, “You don’t know how happy I am to be with you.” That was the most her reserved nature allowed her to express.”




3.
“We all need someone to look at us. we can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. the first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public. the second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. they are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners. they are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives. this happens to nearly all of them sooner or later. people in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need. then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. one day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark. and finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. they are the dreamers.”




4.
“When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.”




5.
“Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that’s beautiful.”


6.
“Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).”




7.
“There is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time. Perhaps we become aware of our age only at exceptional moments and most of the time we are ageless.”


8.
“But when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak had to be strong enough to leave.”


9.
“The goals we pursue are always veiled. A girl who longs for marriage longs for something she knows nothing about. The boy who hankers after fame has no idea what fame is. The thing that gives our every move its meaning is always totally unknown to us.”




10.
“Kitsch is the inability to admit that shit exists”


11.
“Love is a continual interrogation. I don’t know of a better definition of love.”




12.
“A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.”


13.
“And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?”

_______________________________________________

One of the many reasons that I admire Milan Kundera is that he tells the truth about life, the truth that most people on earth live in but dare not to admit.